Is This Love?

So I find myself needing to type out some thoughts about a recent thing that happened.  This might come as new to those who read it, yet filmier to some.  

I recently found myself admiring a friends art, as she's talented in painting, and sketching.  During the whole covid-19 pandemic she even went as far as getting masks made for people to wear with her art on it.

Over some of the time I bought some of her prints, and she was willing to meet up with me halfway as we both came from logistically two separate areas.  I soon learned that my friend has a talent and a calm demeanor.  I found myself wanting to learn more about her, and extended the offer of getting coffee or if she needed someone to just talk too to let me know.

I was sure to double check and make sure we had each others phone numbers.  Things progressed a little as the Christmas holiday of 2022 came, along with New Years.  I was sure to text her and make sure she knew I still wanted to grab coffee with her.  

It wasn't until after New Years of 2023, January 12th to be exact, that I got a random text from her: 

"How ya doin Will!"

"Wanna grab that coffee?"

Then after texting and finding out that breakfast in the morning after I got off work would be better the time was set, January 15th, breakfast at a local Mimosa/ Breakfast spot.  

I was sure to check their menu as I had found out she was vegetarian, and I didn't want to go to a place that was not accommodating.  The morning came and I still remember it as it was just yesterday.  I showed up early to make sure I had myself somewhat decent looking after work and all.  I recall feeling my heart beating so hard and fast.  I had a fitbit watch on at the time and looked at my heart rate.  My heart rate was at 115, and usually my resting heart rate is 67 to 75.  

I thought to myself what in the world, I know this person, why am I getting all flustered and my heat is going crazy.  It was a good feeling, yet something I haven't felt in over 4 years.  After she arrived and I walked up to her and gave her a big hug it's like my nervousness and fast heart rate went away.

We had an amazing breakfast, three hours to be exact.  During those three hours we ate, talked about out past times during high-school, current times, things we enjoyed in life, her amazing art, and overall it was an amazing time.  I found myself thinking wow, this is amazing, she's simply amazing.

Time went on and within a couple weeks I was able to get her introduced to a couple of friends that own a tap room to see if they would be interested in allowing her to hang her art, and do some art events.  

I recall showing up to the tap room and when I gave her a hug I smelled her perfume.  I too had wore a warm smelling cologne.  I hadn't put on cologne in a long while, but I figured why not.

I found myself being happy in trying to help her gain exposure her art, and gain more of a following.  I felt like she had major potential with the need of more exposure for her art. I was determined as I person who enjoyed her creativity in her art to not only validate her artistic side of her, but admire it as well.

After the tap room her and I went to a local restaurant and had dinner.  I found myself being pretty comfortable around her, yet still learning more and more about her as I spent time with her.  I knew one thing right away, I sure enjoyed her hugs, laughter, and amazing smile.  Her smile I couldn't forget and loved seeing her smile from ear to ear.  I told myself "If I can contribute to her happiness in her life, and she can not only be happy with herself but with being around me then I am all for it."

Knowing that she had been through allot I knew in the back of my mind that if I wanted to have something long lasting with her things would need to go slowly.  After our dinner that night I walked her out to her car and came in for a hug.  I recall seeing her huge smile, and the thought of kissing her goodnight had crossed my mind.  I however fought the temptation.  I felt like it was too soon.  This had only been the second time her and I had hung out, and it wasn't a "official date" or anything of that nature.  I did not want to scare her off, so persistence, and patience is key I felt at the time.  With a gentle rub to the small of her back I felt her body relaxed for a moment and I could tell I might of caught her off guard.  This was an amazing, yet small moment that looking back on I will forever cherish.

We parted ways for the night and I told her to text me when she gets home so I know she got home ok.  She did, and I tell you I took the night off of work for that day.  I felt like I had an amazing time and I found myself thinking "wow, I haven't felt this genuinely happy, or as if I am catching feelings for someone in years.

I feel like dating in my late 30's is different.  Different as in a way that I know what I want.  Wanting more of a commitment, to settle down, less drama, no bs, and no games.

This seams to be a common ground with her and I as of right now.  I would soon find the opportunity to see her again.  I found out that her and her business partner that run a food truck were at a local spot near my place.  I thought to myself I need to stop by, try some of their food and say hi.  So before I went in for work I did.  I stopped in and ordered some food, and she brought it out to me.  She had the biggest smile from ear to ear.

I gave her a big hug and we talked for a minute.  During past conversations I had learned that some of her tips from credit card, and debt card customers had not been paid out to her.  I also knew that her and out mutual friend that happens to be her best friend were planning to go on a little hot springs trip.  I tipped her discretely, and placed a $100 bill in her sweatshirt.  I told her "don't say anything about that, and you need to accept it."  She smiled and did not immediately see how much I had tipped her until I left and was driving to work.  She text me and I told her she deserves it.  She had been working so hard lately and I felt that I financially at the time had the ability to do something nice for her.

I had never done something like that before, however she was well deserving of it, and I knew she would appreciate it.  I expected nothing in return of course, and told her to use it on her hot springs trip, or do something nice for herself.

She went on to her trip with her best friend and now here I am, thinking about her.  I feel she needs her three day hot springs trip and knowing that I will be perhaps a slight topic of conversation does reassure me.  I just hope that her and I can grow together and get to know each other better as time progresses.  I feel she has allot to give in a relationship and she truly deserves to be happy.

It's wild how I find myself thinking about her daily, and wondering if she's doing the same.  I can only hope and keep going one day at a time.  

So fast forward to after she came back from her trip.  I am usually one to call, yet I have been ok with the texting.  I learned after she came back from her trip that she is now venturing into a different opportunity.  This opportunity to hopefully grow, and be happy as she told me she is moving at the end of February.

She is moving to Oregon to help a friend and be a live in nanny.  I felt as if now my emotions were taken a wild roller coaster ride.  What to do.  I thought well damn, I should just pout it out there, tell her how I had felt.  Tell her how I wanted to kiss her after dinner.  So you know what? I did.  I got the reply from her that she had felt that I caught feelings for her.  She did not conform or deny if she felt the same, yet she told me in text that she was not emotionally ready to commit to a relationship.  I knew this, and also had kind of a warning from one of her friends as they told me "you never know that your going to get with her."

The texts continued on and I told her I hope to keep in touch with her and her saying "I appreciate our connection" and that she was glad we got to spend time together.  

She went on to tell me we would stay connected, and in touch.  I feel that I was more emotionally invested in this whole situation.  I wanted to show her things that would make her happy, simple things, and companionship.  It's hard when you think things are going one way and they take a sudden turn; especially when you think you might be able to make plans with someone and make more amazing memories.

I guess this is why I just need to stop seeking out love.  Perhaps just focus on being single and if someone wants to come in my life on that level then perhaps they will.

I know now that she will leave to Oregon either on my birthday "February 28th" or shortly after.  The thought of spending more time with her has crossed my mind, however I am going to leave that ball in her court. If she wants to spend time with me before she leaves I figure she will reach out.  I'm sure her calendar is full for this month. I do figure that despite when people are really busy that if they want to see you they will make time.

Well that's all for now.

Will.